Knife Wounds

A deep scar runs across her chest

What once ached daily

raw, tender, bloody

has now healed with new skin

It shimmers

She runs her finger across the length of it

in gratitude

for second chances at living

for feeling strong  

for feeling beautiful

for feeling free

Until

the man with the knife laughs...

     I never cut you

     I NEVER CUT YOU
     It's all your imagination

     It's your make-believe reality

     After all, 
     YOU are the crazy one

     and the whole world knows 

     Go back to your therapist Crazy Woman!

And she bleeds again

-Tiny Mosquito

In The Twenty-Nine Months Since You Left Me

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?  -Mary Oliver

I cried for two months... in bed under my covers... curled up on the hard tile floor of my shower with the water beating against my skin... out in the driveway locked away in my car... never going anywhere, just sitting... sobbing... out of sight and sound of our children.

For two months I barely slept, barely ate, barely functioned... crying big ugly tears until my eyes were swollen shut, my heart was a constant state of deep ache, and I felt as if I may very possibly stop breathing altogether at any moment. 

For two months I cried.

Then I stopped.

In the twenty-nine months since you left me.... I've consulted with three different therapists, one Bishop, two Shamans, four mystics, and an energy healer. Our bishop told me that due to my lack of faith and obedience, it was I who was responsible for the destruction our family, and he feared for our children's souls. I quit attending the church I had spent my entire life being an active part of, but hadn't believed in for years. It was a toxic and harmful place, and my soul no longer felt at home there. Had it ever? No, not really... I only went to appease you.

I have found solace in a heavy regimen of yoga, meditation, morning hikes, and late night walks around the neighborhood. I discovered the beauty, power, and therapeutic value in boldly saying the word "fuck"... a word I had never dared speak out loud before. I purchased my very first coffee maker and discovered that God could be found in a cup of morning espresso. I joined a Kirtan group at the park where I sang Hare Krishna mantras to John Denver tunes while a darling young man with goofy ears and the voice of an angel led the group with his guitar. I visited a Buddhist Temple where I sutra chanted, burned incense, and listened to the wisdom within dharma teachings. I spent an Easter Sunday with the kids at a Krishna Temple out in the countryside where we took part in their Holi Festival... joyfully throwing handfuls of rainbow colored powder in the air, and at each other until we all looked like tie-dyed versions of ourselves. I sat in awe at The Cathedral of the Madeline and was moved to tears through a choir performance celebrating The Christ. I sat in the living room of a friend where six beautiful woman placed their hands on my body as they shared kind and powerful words while blessing me with strength, courage and love... in the warm and fluid manner that is so naturally female. I stood under a full moon, surrounded by girlfriends donning leafy crowns and flowing dresses. We drank mead wine and danced around a crackling fire as we released into the flames all those things that no longer served us. The 16x20 wedding portrait that hung for eighteen years on our bedroom wall found a new home among the ashes.

In the twenty-nine months since you left me... I tossed, sold, or gave away our entire household of pretentious furniture and boring decor. I also ditched of all my fancy designer tracksuits... the silly outfits that all the suburban moms were wearing. I had a dozen of them. Who the hell was I trying to be? Oh, and the cable TV... that time-sucking box which got far more attention from you than we ever did... gone. 

I have since surrounded myself with awesomeness... with life and energy and color... funky and fun... weird and random. Everything now has positive energy, memories, or meaning attached. My first purchase was a three foot tall Buddha statue that now resides in my entry way. I had always wanted one... you would not allow it. Holy fuck (yes, I said fuck) you would absolutely hate this place now! But you aren't here, I am... and I love it. For the first time since I've lived here this house finally feels right... it feels like a home... my home.

In the twenty-nine months since you left me we changed our diet. We quit eating pot roast and potatoes and pancakes. We now eat curry and quinoa and pomegranates and hummus. I learned to make gnocchi and brew my own kambucha. Sushi is our new family favorite... learning to make it ourselves is high on our to-do list... just before Restore a vintage trailer, and right after Hike to ten waterfalls.

We got a dog. We named her Karma. This was the first big decision I made on my own in my newly single life. I surprised the kids with a trip to pick her up on Mother's Day. She turned out to be the greatest dog in the history of ever. She saved our kids that first year without you. She gave them constant and unconditional love, companionship, and comfort. She healed their broken hearts.

Ten months later we buried her.

In the twenty-nine months since you left me I built the large fire-pit and the meandering rock wall I always wanted. I fixed nine broken sprinkler heads, and multiple broken pipes. I took apart and reassembled my lawnmower, my vacuum cleaner, my washer and my dryer. I replaced the a/c clutch on my old van... and my brake pads... and my radiator hoses. Thank you Google. Thank you YouTube... I couldn't have done it without you.

In the twenty-nine months since you left me I have become financially independent. I went from being full time, stay-home mom, to working multiple part-time jobs in order to feed our children and make a dent in the massive pile of debt and bills you left me with. I cleaned people's garbage and did their paperwork. I managed ghetto houses and painted apartments. I landscaped and dug ditches. Yes, I was a ditch digger... and grateful for the job, and all the others, as I had no education or employment history to fall back on. I modeled for a corporate photo shoot, I was a beer vendor at a sold out rock concert, I house sat and babysat and dog sat... unquestionably grateful for the opportunities that came my way. I found a way to turn a favorite hobby and a passion into a career. I joined an artist's cooperative made up of a dozen extremely cool people... we run a little upcycled furniture shop together. My love for treasure hunting, art, antiques, and painting are now all part of what I do to make a living. Since being an artist does not quite pay the bills, I also got my real estate license. Do you remember how you laughed at me when you first heard of my plan to be a Realtor? Well I did it anyways, and I am pretty damn good at it.

I am no longer afraid to drive. This happened right in the beginning. Over twenty years of fear... and then... an instant transformation. I told myself... You have too much shit to deal with now, a fear of driving can no longer be part of it... and just like that my fear was gone. Driving now means distancing myself from you... the further I drive, the more alive I feel. I now yearn for long drives and crave the open road. The kids and I found our way to Park City, Bear Lake, Zion National Park, Las Vegas, Yellowstone, The Grand Tetons, and Jackson Hole. Downtown drives to the city went from being a twice yearly excursion to twice a week... as the energy and diversity that is always found there now beckons me.

I also flew alone for the first time in my life. I needed to be far away on the day you wed the woman you left me for, so I purchased an airline ticket to Colorado to stay with a friend. I woke up early the morning of your big day to sad news... my sweet grandma had passed away. A drive to Manitou Springs and a grueling hike up The Incline would offer me perspective that day... this became the day I completely fell in love with my life.

In the twenty-nine months since you left me I have danced... I've danced the fucking hell outta life!  I have rocked and salsa'd and twirled. I've let go to the beat of African drums... sweat dripping, legs weakening, but unable to stop myself as long as the drums kept pounding. I dance in my bathroom mirror.  I have daily jam parties in the kitchen with our kids. I rock out in my car (often creating quite the spectacle for fellow commuters). I dance at parties and concerts and at nightclubs... on rooftops, mountain tops, and balconies with views of the city lights and the setting sun. I dance down crowded streets under a bright sun, and I dance with bare feet in open fields beneath the evening stars. Eyes closed... arms in the air... face to the sky. Never caring who may be watching. I dance for me.

In the twenty-nine months since you left me I discovered sex...

Not sex as I knew it.

Sex as it should be.

Passionate, exhilarating, fun... two people both wanting each other, enjoying each other, aware of each other, pleasing each other. At almost 39 years old, this was all completely new to me as I had only ever been with you... a man who didn't see me... didn't desire me... and admittedly didn't love me. Sex with you was detached, disconnected, and... lonely. I determined The Universe wanted me to finally and fully experience this incredible form of expression, and the next year would be spent doing just that... experiencing. I dated dozens of interesting and fantastic men, most of whom are still good friends... some best friends. My first lover was a screenwriter. He was kind and passionate, yet somewhat of a tortured soul. He would prove to be the perfect friend and mentor for broken little me. After my initial training was complete and I was ready to step out into the world, I found myself in the company of musicians, comedians, film makers, doctors, and wealthy business owners. I dated sexy software engineers with just the right touch of nerdiness, and ardent world travelers with adventurous spirits that could never be tethered (nor should they). A soft spoken firefighter with ginger hair and a muscular body would make me weak in the knees and cause me pause... but it would be the ridiculously cute social worker with the bounce in his step, twinkle in his eyes, and the wild yet sensitive soul, who would be the one to completely capture my heart... sigh.

In the twenty-nine months since you left me I fell in love... deeply, madly, gorgeously in love. No longer that innocent and naive girl you charmed... the one who at only nineteen years of age, had no concept of self, and who only wanted to belong to someone. I am not that girl anymore. I am wiser now, I know myself, and I know what I want and need in a partner. And more importantly... I know what I don't want and need, and would rather be alone than be with someone whom my soul didn't feel at home with. But then, so unexpected... I found an incredible human who fit me so well that I could hardly believe he really existed. He understood me... from my core beliefs and outlook on life, right down to our matching Chucks, and our love for coconut water. So... I let my protective guard down, I let him into my heart... and My God it felt good! Forty fantastic weeks of opening up to someone, feeling comfortable, being myself, and feeling completely wonderful. Forty surreal weeks, and then... a broken heart... painfully, beautifully broken. I really thought he might be my person... I think I still do. He is who I still dream of every night after my long and tiresome single mama days. He lies next to me... eyes locked, my hand pressed firmly over his heart, my other hand on my own... feeling his energy, mirroring his breath, breathing him in. I never did this with you. I never did this with anyone. It is something I have only shared with him. It came naturally and intuitively... connecting intimately like this. I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt like someone actually gave a shit.

Does he ever still dream of me?



Oh the human experience... so raw and wrenching and completely fantastic at the same time. It can hurt something fierce but if the alternative is to never allow myself to fully feel all the awesome this world has to offer...I'll take my chances, risk the heartache, embrace the pain. There is so much beauty to be found in living open-hearted, in the moment, and in a state of complete vulnerability... nothing compares.

And speaking of pain...

In the twenty-nine months since you left me no one has hit me because I smiled and nodded a friendly hello to another man while passing opposite directions in a crosswalk. No one has flung heavy objects at me for disagreeing with them on politics. No one has punched any new holes in my walls. No one has stared me down, shook their finger at my face, and in a harsh cold voice told me how utterly worthless I am. No one throws food across the room when I make it wrong. No one tells me my ideas and hopes and dreams are all laughable and completely idiotic. And surprisingly... not a single person has ever suggested that I need a boob job in order to be attractive. And with the exception of your correspondence which I must still endure, no one in my life has ever tried to convince me, or even suggested, that I am delusional, unstable, or certifiably crazy.

Also, in the twenty-nine months since you left...

no one has raped me.

And I am NOT crazy... I know this now.

In the twenty-nine months since you left me... I've been rock climbing and mountain biking, kickboxing, and pole dancing. I have discovered a love for live music and have since been to dozens of concerts...obscure Indie bands in divey bars being my favorite. I volunteer at the homeless shelter and raise money for homeless youth. The kids and I held homemade signs and waved rainbow flags as we marched together as LGBT allies in the Pride parade. Home is happier now and more peaceful than it's ever been before. We hug more, kiss more, smile more, love more. We laugh together, play together, sing at the top of our lungs in the car together, and snuggle together... lots.

I am in awe daily at the beauty that surrounds me. Sunlight reflecting perfectly upon the petals of a flower with bring me to tears. The soft eyes of a stranger will bring me to tears. The laughter of children will undoubtedly bring me to tears. I am wildly in love with the whole world, and am so excited to have my new life ahead of me free to discover more, to experience more, and to love more... more than I ever knew possible.

Thank you.

Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for freeing me. Thank you for a second chance at life... a passionate, whole-hearted, authentic life. From the bottom of my heart... thank you for the best and most beautiful twenty-nine months I've ever experienced. I can't wait to see what the next twenty-nine will bring.

This life of mine... I wouldn't trade it. 

The Narcissist and The Codependant... Part One

Note: I wrote this short piece back in March 2012 with the intention of writing many more segments. I just came across this again today still saved as a draft in my sorely neglected blog. I never published this one or wrote any more. My story was too painful to write out and contained more abuse in all forms than I was ready to face. I am not sure if I will ever write more but I decided to go ahead and publish this little bit...



My marriage is over. I sit in the mediation room with a pen held tight in my trembling hands and my eyes swollen from crying the entire night before.

I hesitate.

I have loved this man sitting beside me unconditionally for 19 years and now I am expected to sign my name on a stupid piece of paper agreeing to end my marriage. How did this happen? How did we get here? I thought we were happy. I really did. This is crazy! My last ten weeks are little more than just a blur...

"SIGN THE PAPERS ALREADY... SIGN THEM RIGHT NOW! YOU ARE WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME AND MY MONEY!"

My soon to be ex's angry booming voice screaming into my ear momentarily brings me back to reality.

"SIGN THEM! SIGN THEM NOW! I AM SO DONE WITH YOU! I DESERVE BETTER THAN YOU! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF ME! MY BIGGEST REGRET IS NOT DIVORCING YOU SOONER! I CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF BEING MARRIED TO YOU A MINUTE LONGER!"

Yes... I remember now. I remember why, as hard as it may be, I MUST sign. I am strong enough. I can do this. I NEED to do this. I need to be free.

Hands still shaking but at the same time oddly sure of myself... I sign my name.

MY life now begins, and it's going to be beautiful!

Mormon Heaven... Not For Me!

 A friend just shared this story with me. 

I love it. 

I think I am represented by the dog. :o)

 

A man and his dog were walking along a road. As the man was enjoying the scenery, it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and then he realized that his dog had been dead for years. Where was this road was leading them?

After walking a while, they came to a high wall along one side of the road. The wall was made of white stones that looked like fine marble. The man and the dog continued to follow the road along the wall until they reached the top of a long hill. Up ahead, the wall opened into a huge arch that glowed in the sunlight. The arch contained a magnificent gate that looked like mother of pearl. The street leading to the gate looked like pure gold. As he approached the gate, he saw a man sitting at a desk to one side, and called out, "Excuse me, where are... we?"

"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets".

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.

After another long walk, he reached the top of another long hill; he saw a dirt road that led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink - then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope, that's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

My Testimony Today

This past weekend I was able to attend the first ever Mormon Stories Conference held in Salt Lake City. I stood among 150 fellow friends made up of uncorrelated and unorthodox Mormons. (aka:intellectual/feminist/gay/politically liberal/inactive/post/ex Mormons)

The theme of the conference was... Open Mormon Pioneers in the 21st Century. Among the speakers were... Carol Lynn Pearson, Joanna Brooks, Margaret Toscano, Jared Anderson and John Dehlin. The speakers were all amazing. The musical numbers were absolutely moving. But the best part part of the event had to be the "testimony meeting". It was refreshing to hear the non-typical testimonies of such incredible people... all with differing beliefs but all sharing what was in their heart, in a safe, respectful and accepting environment. Such a beautiful thing!

Most of the testimonies were mainly focused on expressing gratitude to Mormon Stories for giving us all a place of acceptance, discussion and growth. I am also grateful to have found this community a few years back when I REALLY needed them. I really resonated with the "pioneer" theme because that is what I feel like. I am the very first of all my family, in-laws, friends to ever choose to leave the path of devout, orthodox, literal believing Mormonism. I am the first to be on this beautiful journey of exploration. I came to this place on my very own, and I am really proud of myself for trusting my spirit and taking this journey. The only thing keeping me from being happy all the time is the occasional pain I feel when I realize that I have many friends and family who no longer accept me or consider me a "good" person. This hurts... and thus the need for this community.

I wanted to get up and bear my testimony, but I never quite found the courage. Sometimes I have a difficult time verbally expressing my thoughts and feelings into coherent sentences. Though out all this journey the one thing that I have not only hung on to, but have managed to increase is my connection to Divine Spirit. I have always felt this strong connection and never lost it. I am a divine and spiritual being. I am light, I am love...  and I am a good person! In fact, I feel far more spiritual now then I ever felt during my years as a devout Mormon. The following are some of my thought that I would have liked to share if I had been more brave...

My Testimony Today

The only real thing I know is that I don't know anything... but I hope and I believe. My beliefs have greatly changed over the last few years, and I fully expect them to continue growing and changing over time. I would like to express to you where my testimony is today...

I do have a testimony of God. However my definition of God has changed. I believe God is the energy that connects every living thing with each other and the with Earth. Therefore God is neither male or female but encompasses both. God is everything and everywhere and we are all a part of that. God is Spirit. In order to feel a connection to God we need to look inward... get to know ourselves, spend time with ourselves, and discover the God that is within. You are God.
I am God.

I believe that we are here on the Earth not as a great TEST where we are to be judged and placed in a caste system accordingly, but we are here for an EXPERIENCE! It is impossible to fail at having an experience! We are here to discover the full measure of our beings. We are here to know ourselves and to grow. It seems to me that there is no possible way for a soul to experience everything necessary for ultimate growth in just one lifetime, that is why the concept of multiple lives fascinates me. (I think will write more about this later in another post.)

I think that Heaven is a term for the state you are in when you are connected to Spirit... and Hell a state of being disconnected from Spirit.

I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. He is a beautiful example of how we should pattern our lives. I don't know the true details of his birth or death, but I do believe he was an enlightened being, and following his example of unconditional love seems like a pretty good way to go.

I have a testimony of prayer... in all forms. Be it kneeling, meditating, singing, dancing, chanting, or just appreciating nature. These are all ways of connecting with God and Spirit. I believe the energy that connects us all has the capabilities to manifest our desires... I try to keep my thoughts positive as to create positive experiences for myself.

I have a testimony of the eternal nature of families. However, I do not believe that any LDS Temple ordinances are needed to bind families together. Souls are bound together through love, and shared experiences. The stronger the love, the stronger the bind. Those souls who have the strongest of love will remain connected together and always... in whatever life or worlds they travel through. If you want to make sure you will be together with your spouse, partner, children, friends in this life and the next... love them. If you want a powerful eternal connection to humanity and the Earth... love your neighbor, love the the Earth. Just love!

And lastly I have a testimony in goodness. This world is a beautiful place made up of divinely beautiful people of whom I am all connected to through Spirit. I look forward to my future because I no longer fear this world. I am ready to embrace it... in all of its beauty, in all of its forms.

I am ready to LIVE!
I am ready to LOVE!  

This is my testimony today... tomorrow it may change, but either way I am grateful to have something to hope and believe in.

Will Smith Wisdom

"I know who I am. I know what I believe.   That's all I need to know."

Whether or not you have been a Will Smith fan in the past, you will sure to be one now after watching this inspiring collection of bits of wisdom he has shared over the years. I love this guy!

"The only thing that I see that is distinctly different about me is, I am not afraid to die on a treadmill. You might have more talent then me, you might be smarter than me, but if we get on the treadmill together there's two things... you're getting off first, or I'm going to die."

"We didn't grow up with the sense that where we were was where we're going to be...

Greatness exists in all of us. 

There's no shortcut to success. 

Lay one brick at a time. 

Focus on making a difference. 

Represent an idea. 

You have to believe. 

Nothing is unrealistic. 

Attack your fears. 

Be willing to die for the truth. 

Protect your dream

If you want something - Go get it... period.

--Will Smith

(P.S. - Remind me to NEVER go up against the Fresh Prince on a treadmill!)

No Excuses... 2011 will Rock!

Well... the new year has come. I for one LOVE the new year. I love to put the past behind me and start fresh. Sure it's really just a new calender on the wall, life doesn't really start over, my problems haven't magically been wiped clean. Yet, there is something about a new year that is undeniably exciting. That little hope that this year will be better, this year will be happier, this year will be amazing! 

As much as I enjoy writing, there is one thing that I don't do. I do not write down annual goals/resolutions. Seriously... none at all. I guess I just don't like the pressure of actually putting something down in writing... reminding me of what I am not. But don't worry, I am not completely devoid of dreams and aspirations. I have found something that works better for me... AFFIRMATIONS. 

I am a huge believer is positive affirmations. Writing down concrete goals can often lead to disappointment... but writing, reading and reciting affirmations will lead to transformation. Say for example, if I have a goal to write a book, instead of saying... "I will write a book in 2011" I create affirmations that will help me do so. Such as... "I love to write! My mind is a magnet for ideas. I am able to effortlessly express my thoughts into words. Creativity flows freely through me." Next think I know I will have written three books.

I help my children write their own affirmations. During their toddler years we repeated affirmations such as... "I am a good girl. I am loved. I like to share my toys. I love to sit on the potty. I always keep my panties dry." as they got older they had affirmations such as... "I am amazing. I am smart. I love to read. Learning is fun. I have lots of friends because I am a good friend to everyone. I belong to an awesome family who love me".

I have affirmations to manage stress. I have affirmations to promote good health. I have affirmations of peace, of love, and to remind me to enjoy life's simple pleasures. I think reciting positive affirmations just might be the secret to a happy life. It's not about wanting or wishing for something. The act of wanting just affirms to you that you lack that thing. It is about changing your mindset to believe. Believing you are already who you need to be to attract wonderful people, feelings, things and experiences into your life.  

This is not some New Age way of thinking. This stuff is even in the Bible. Check out Mark 11:24 (KJV)...  "Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." Awesome huh! Believe proceeds actualization. That's it... nothing to it!

So what do you think? Would you like to give it a try? I have compiled a list of the 18 affirmations from the book Excuses Begone! by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer.
(a favorite person of mine... seriously, this man is an incredible spiritual teacher) These affirmations have been created by Dyer to counter nearly any excuse you may have to not accomplish that which you desire. Choose the ones that best describe the excuses you would like to overcome and who you want to be, and read and recite them often. ( the affirmations, NOT the excuses.)

2011 is going to be an incredible year... I know it!  Love to you my friends!

Wayne Dyer’s Motivational Affirmations

Stop Making Excuses and Start Enjoying Life

 


Excuse #1 - It will be difficult.
Affirmation - I have the ability to accomplish any task I set my mind to with ease and comfort.

Excuse #2 - It's going to be risky.
Affirmation - Being myself involves no risks. It is my ultimate truth and I live fearlessly.

Excuse #3 - It will take a long time.
Affirmation - I have infinite patience when it comes to fulfilling my own destiny.

Excuse #4 - There will be family drama.
Affirmation - I would rather be loathed for who I am then loved for who I am not.

Excuse #5 - I don't deserve it.
Affirmation - I am a divine creation, a piece of god. How could I be undeserving?

Excuse #6 - It's not my nature.
Affirmation - My essential nature is perfect and faultless. It is to this nature that I return.

Excuse #7 - I cannot afford it.
Affirmation - I am connected to an unlimited source of abundance.

Excuse #8 - No one will help me.
Affirmation - The right circumstances and the right people are already here and will show up on time.

Excuse #9 - It's never happened before.
Affirmation - I am open and willing to attract all I desire beginning here and now.

Excuse #10 - I am not strong enough.
Affirmation - I have access to unlimited assistance. My strength comes from my connection to my source.

Excuse #11 - I am not smart enough.
Affirmation - I am a creation of the divine mind, all is perfect and I am a genius in my own right.

Excuse #12 - I am too old or I'm not old enough.
Affirmation - I am an infinite being. The age of my body has no bearing on what I do or who I am.

Excuse #13 - The rules won't let me.
Affirmation - I live my life according to divine rules.

Excuse #14 - It's too big.
Affirmation - I think only about what I can do now. By thinking small, I accomplish great things.

Excuse #15 - I don't have the energy.
Affirmation - I feel passionately about my life and this passion fills me with excitement and energy.

Excuse #16 - It's my personal family history.
Affirmation - I live in the present moment by being grateful for all of my life experiences as a child.

Excuse #17 - I am too busy.
Affirmation - As I unclutter my life I free myself to answer the callings of my soul.

Excuse #18 - I'm too scared.
Affirmation - I can accomplish anything I put my mind to because I know I am never alone.

The Gospel of Christ

Christmas is just days away. One of the most magical aspects of the season is Christmas music. I love and enjoy it all (with a few annoying exceptions not worth noting), but there is one song that tends to effect me like no other - especially if the artist singing it does so with great passion. The song is O Holy Night. The climax of the song (usually sung with great power and intensity) is...

Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices! 

 These lines, without fail, give me chills every time. This month however, a different line has been the cause of much emotion, Christmas spirit, and deep pondering. The following lines have been in my head all month long, and have managed to somehow embed themselves deep within my soul...

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.

The message of these lines are so simple, yet they pretty much sum up the entire ministry of Jesus Christ. I tend to view my faith in more symbolic terms that I do literal. I don't know if all the events surrounding the birth, life, and death of Jesus Christ really happened exactly as I was taught (I suspect not), but if you were to ask a Buddhist how he could possibly believe all of the stories about the life of the Buddha (some of the events are pretty unbelievable) they would probably tell you that it doesn't matter if it all really happened or not. What is important is the message and essence of the teachings, and what you take from it. Buddhism is truly a beautiful faith. My feelings are the same about the gospel of Christ. What is important is the message I take from it, and applying it to my life. What does the life of Jesus Christ mean to me?

I was born and raised a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I love that we are named after Jesus Christ, the perfect example of how to live. I love learning about Jesus, singing about Jesus, praising Jesus. I love Jesus!

I have a problem however... with the notable exception of the Sabbath before Christmas, there seems to be very little mention these days of Christ in our weekly Sunday services. The emphasis instead is placed on our early and modern day prophets and leaders, building temples, and the ultimate emphasis - obedience, obedience, obedience. These messages begin at the youngest of age. Ask any primary youth (ages 3-11) what the most popular song in primary is and they will likely tell you - Follow The Prophet. A very catchy, chant-like tune... 

Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet... don't go astray. 

Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet... he knows the way!

Shouldn't our most loved songs be instead about following Jesus? Sure there are many songs about Jesus, but I am just not hearing them as often these days. Maybe this shouldn't bother me so much, after all, following the prophet isn't a bad idea. You could do much worse than to follow the commandments of the prophet and my church. For the most part it's all good stuff, my problem is that I feel like we have lost sight of of the true essence of the ministry of Jesus Christ.

Christ wasn't about strict rules and dogma, power or prestige. Christ would have never spent millions of dollars to build fancy temples (not to mention the three billion dollars the church has spent to renovate a mall!) ...temples that are only allowed to be used by those within the church who have proven themselves worthy and obedient. Within these temples we devote our time performing sacred saving ordinances for those who have died without them. Christ wouldn't have spent a minute serving the dead (the dead are already in a place of pure love), it was the needs and suffering of the living that he devoted himself to. 

Jesus Christ preached love, peace, acceptance. He hung out with the saints and sinners alike, served the poor and the needy. Touched the lepers upon the face, offered love to all, and was a friend to everyone. "Truly He taught us to love one another, His law was love and His gospel was peace." It's so simple! Love one another... love one another... just love. Why must we complicate this simple message? So many just don't get it. But then again... some do. The message of Jesus was universal. One not need be a Christan to exemplify his teachings. Below is the story of Narayanan Krishnan of India. A beautiful man who was truly a Christ among us. He is a man who "gets it". (Please watch!)

I love you my friends. May you have a wondrous Christmas season, reflecting on the gospel of Christ, and what it means to you in your life. I wish you peace, I wish you happiness, I send you all the love in my heart. I leave you now with the words of the Dalai Lama (another great man who "gets it")...

"My true religion, my simple faith is in love and compassion. There is no need for complicated philosophy, doctrine, or dogma. Our own heart, our own mind, is the temple. The doctrine is compassion. Love for others and respect for their rights and dignity, no matter who or what they are - these are ultimately all we need." -the Dalai Lama

The Best Religion

(A brief dialogue between Brazilian theologist Leonardo Boff and the Dalai Lama....)


During a break at round table discussion about religion and freedom in which Dalai Lama and myself were participating, I maliciously and also with interest, asked him: “Your holiness, what is the best religion?”

I thought he would say: “The Tibetan Buddhism” or “The oriental religions, much older than Christianity” Dalai Lama paused, smiled and looked me in the eyes ….

He answered: “The best religion is the one that gets you closest to God. It is the one that makes you a better person.”

To get out of my embarrassment with such a wise answer, I asked: “What is it that makes me better?”

He responded:

“Whatever makes you

more compassionate,

more sensible,

more detached,

more loving,

more humanitarian,

more responsible,

more ethical...

The religion that will do that for you is the best religion”

I was silent for a moment, marveling and even today thinking of his wise and irrefutable response:

“I am not interested, my friend, about your religion or if you are religious or not. What really is important to me is your behavior in front of your peers, family, work, community, and in front of the world... Remember, the universe is the echo of our actions and our thoughts.”

“The law of action and reaction is not exclusively for physics. It is also of human relations. If I act with goodness, I will receive goodness. If I act with eviI, I will get evil. You will always have what you desire for others. Being happy is not a matter of destiny. It is a matter of options.”

Finally he said: “Take care of your Thoughts because they become Words. Take care of your Words because they will become Actions. Take care of your Actions because they will become Habits. Take care of your Habits because they will form your Character. Take care of your Character because it will form your Destiny, and your Destiny will be your Life … and … There is no religion higher than the Truth.”

Through God's Eyes

(A talk I gave at an LDS church service 
on Sunday, October 24th, 2010)
 

Deep in the heart of Zambia and the Congo of South Africa is found the home to a fascinating tribe of people known as the Babemba. Babemba treat people who step out of line in a remarkable way. Instead of treating the person with judgment and punishment, the tribe treats the offender with love and appreciation.

If a member of the Babemba acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he or she is placed at the center of the village, alone. All work ceases, and the entire tribe gathers in a large circle around the violator. Then each person in the tribe, regardless of age, speaks to the accused, one at a time, recalling all the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his or her lifetime.

Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy is recounted. All the individual's positive attributes, good deeds, strengths and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. No one is permitted to fabricate, exaggerate or be facetious about the accomplishments or the positive aspects of the person. This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days and does not end until everyone is drained of every positive comment he or she can state about the person in question.

At the end, the circle is broken and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe with joyful celebration.  It is also interesting to note… necessity for such ceremonies is rare. (Peace Pilgrim)

What I find remarkable about this practice is the love that is lavished upon a sinner. Instead of judgment, vengeance or shaming, the people of the tribe love offenders into right behavior by reminding them of their goodness… reminding them of Who They Are.

Last spring I had the pleasure of attending the YW general broadcast with my daughters. Elaine Dalton, the general YW president gave an inspired talk entitled “Remember Who You Are!”

We were reminded of our divine heritage… that we were literally the royal daughters of our Heavenly Father… each one of us born to be a queen. She spoke of “deep beauty” – the kind of beauty that shines from the inside out. She spoke of our nobility and of our divine identity. Sister Dalton also admonished us to “Remember who you are!”, and to “See yourself as our Heavenly Father sees you.”

This was a beautiful talk, and the inspiration for my talk today, but I would like to take things a step further and ask you this question… “Do you also see others as our Heavenly Father sees them?” 

I would like to share a personal story of an experience that happened to me several years ago… I was downtown Salt Lake on my may to attend the marriage of a friend at the Salt Lake temple. As I was walking towards Temple Square, across the street and a distance away I watched as an elderly woman, with her arms full of bags, had a misstep and fell hard to the ground. Her bags and her purse flew out of her arms, as she lies hurt on the ground.

Then... before I could even react, a young man, whom I can only describe as TROUBLE came sprinting toward her. Let me describe the scene… this man was very scruffy and covered in tattoos and piercings. His pants were low and baggy, and he wore chains around his neck. He definitely looked like “gang material”. One look and I knew… I KNEW what I was about to witness. This guy was going to steal the woman’s purse and her bags, and then leave her there helpless!

Well… I was wrong. I was so very wrong. I humbly watched as this young man, this Good Samaritan, assisted the woman back to her feet, gathered up her belongings, and then with his arm tight around her, he walked the grateful woman to her car. As I watched all this I was overcome with a great sense of shame of the judgment that I had placed upon the man. He was indeed a beautiful soul. It is a lesson I will never forget. 
 
Mother Theresa, a Catholic nun who worked among the poor in India most of her life, spoke this profound truth: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

Those who love you are not fooled by the mistakes you have made or the dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

Last month Pres. Monson delivered a beautiful message at the General R.S. Broadcast. His words really moved me and I would like to share with you part of what he said…

"I consider charity—or the “pure love of Christ”—to be the opposite of criticism and judging. In speaking of charity, I do not at this moment have in mind the relief of the suffering through the giving of our substance. That, of course, is necessary and proper. Tonight, however, I have in mind the charity that manifests itself when we are tolerant of others and lenient toward their actions; the kind of charity that forgives; the kind of charity that is patient.... Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down; it is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others." (Thomas S. Monson)

 

As someone who tends to be a bit unorthodox in practically every aspect of my life, such as… my views on health and diet, the education and upbringing of my children, and even that of my faith… I often feel categorized by others - as someone who is misguided, misinformed or just plain lost… Maybe I am the wrong person to be giving this talk, or maybe I am exactly the right person, anyhow… I feel it is important to note that just because someone is on a different path than you are, does not mean they are lost.  Different roads can still take you in the same direction.

 

“Stick to your beliefs, if that serves you. Hold tight. Do not waiver. For your ideas about "right" and "wrong" are your definitions of Who You Are. Yet do not require that others define themselves according to your terms.”  (CwG)

 

However… if you prayerfully and strongly feel the need to intervene in the path that a loved one is on then, please… remember the inspired ways of the Babemba tribe – love them, respect them, remind them of their goodness, remind them Who They Are.  These are also the ways of our Savior, Jesus Christ. 

Today, October 24th 2010, happens to be a special day. Today marks and celebrates the very 1st annual Global Oneness day! I pulled this mission statement from it’s official website…   

“A day to be set aside and embraced by individuals, communities and nations each year during which people celebrate, discuss, demonstrate and thus experience our commonality, while still acknowledging and respecting our beautiful cultural diversity . . . a shared day to unite in Oneness every year for the greater good of the Human Family.”

In honor of this historic 1st, I think today presents the perfect opportunity to discuss the themes of unity and oneness with our families as we gather around the dinner table tonight. I personally will always recall this day as… the day I had to speak in church. (An event that I hope will not likely be repeated until the year 2020!)

Brothers and sisters… We are all connected. Despite all our differences, despite our race, our religion, our beliefs… despite our status, education, or our income… and despite our sexual orientation, or our political affiliations… despite it all… we all belong to each other. We need not agree with one another… to love one another. We need not think alike… to love alike.

“And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment…

And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.”  (Mark 12:30-31)

I repeat… There is none other commandment greater than these.

  

It is not our place to determine the worth of a soul, for God has already done this… the worth of a soul… every soul… is great in his sight and understanding - Greater than we could ever comprehend… at least in this life.

May we always remember Who We Are, and may we also never forget the divine beauty and greatness that can be found in all. May we love, honor and recognize the good, and the god, that is in each of us.

In closing I would like to leave you with one final thought… Psalms 82:6

“I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.” 

May you always remember.

… Amen.

Mosquito on the loose!

I have always had big dreams of healing the world. I am constantly feeling like there is more I should be doing to serve humanity and make the world a better place.  Problem is... I am also a busy mother of five crazy (but truly amazing) little ones. My life does not include a whole lot of spare time to save the world.

The good news is... if I can pour my time into raising five compassionate and globally conscience children who feel connected to the world, and who love and care about everyone... then my efforts and effectiveness can be multiplied.

My mind is always going into deep thought mode. I have so much that I want to say! So much about love, respect and compassion. So much about peace and unity. I am very shy and have a hard time expressing myself verbally. This blog is to serve as a place for me to express my highest, brightest and truest thoughts with myself, my children, and hopefully with others as well.

In the words of the Dalai Lama, "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."

Time to unleash the tiny mosquito in me!